Why Your Husband Isn’t The Leader At YOUR House Today!

This post may contain compensated links. Refer to my disclaimer for more info.

You as the wife in this thang called marriage are clearly the better get-it-done personright?  Your hubby being the leader in your home doesn’t apply in your reality because you’re the one that keeps your lives somewhat in order.  You are the one who leads in so many areas of your home life.

He’s just not the leader type – not at home anyway.

You hear bits and pieces of submission arguments all around you as people bicker about what the bible really says about wives submitting to their husbands.  Whew!  You breathe a sigh of relief because you know that you are off the hook:  You don’t have to submit to your man because he doesn’t take charge and lead your home.  He’s just not a spiritual leader.

The Leader

Have you been in a worship service or some church-y event and you hear the speaker teaching men to rise up to be great leaders to do whatever it takes to have a servant-heart toward their family but also be the spiritual leader that God has called them to be?  It’s great when the preacher talks to the men on Father’s Day to remind them of how they are supposed to act and all, isn’t it?

“Yes – Yes – Yes! Preach it!” you shout on the inside as you dream of your husband being more like the person the preacher is describing … a man that works hard to provide for his family and then is the head of the home in the ways of the Lord from A to Z.  Do you have a friend that seems to have that type of husband and they are so happy … that you’re trying not to be jealous?

Oh, what you wouldn’t give if your husband would step it up and be the leader.  If he were the spiritual leader like “so and so’s” husband. “Oh Lord,” you pray, “help my husband be the leader and head of our home like you want him to be.”

Oooooo, what a saintly prayer.

What if, in your quiet time, the Lord speaks to your heart and says, “Your husband can’t be the head of the home because there’s one big obstacle — You!”

“Whaaa??? What do you mean Lord? What does this have to do with me? He needs to step it up with ________. He’s really not doing ________.”  The Lord responds again and you know without a doubt that he’s trying to tell you that your husband can’t be the leader unless you get out of the way and Let. Your. Man. Lead.


Take the “Head of the House” Quiz to see how you rate:


1.  You command his every step from how to follow God to how to act around your mutual couple friends.

2.  You never stop talking long enough to hear what he has to say – really hear what he has to say.

3.  You guilt him into doing or getting whatever it is that you want in every situation – you’ve become gifted at this.

4.  Because you contribute to the bottom line of your checkbook balance (or have in the past) you feel as if you have a right to make the decisions.

5.  You constantly have a long laundry list of things that he must get done for you but when he asks you to do something you get dramatic.

6.  You aren’t nagging – you are just giving simple instruction on how things should be done the best way, the right way, 99.9% of the time.

7.  You always have the best ideas so the ones he comes up with can be saved for another time. Yours are better so let’s go with those.

8.  You argue with him if he ever puts his foot down on a situation, decision or discipline for the children. Most of the time you do this in front of others.

9.  You don’t trust his judgment. He’s made mistakes in the past so you MUST intervene and manipulate situations instead of trusting him.

10. You don’t reprimand the kids when they go against your husband’s rules or wishes. What will it hurt to have a few lil secrets from Dad?

11. You ignore the scriptures that come anywhere close to male leadership & submission topics and hope that God doesn’t notice.


How did you score, dear one?

If you are like me, you answered “YES” too often.

But wait — You don’t think of yourself as being a controlling or domineering wife. My excuse was that I’m more of a soft-spoken girl who loves her husband. The fact remains that when I listened to the Lord’s prompting and looked at that list realistically, I knew I failed.   Big Time.

What can we do to improve?

  • Seek God’s Guidance – When we seek change, He has an awesome way of peeling away the worldly attitudes and thoughts that we have allowed to creep in. Ask for understanding. Ask for knowledge.
  • Pray for him & yourself – Not only are you being an example to your circle of female friends and family, you are influencing the daughters and sons that you have or wish to have in the future. Your circle of influence will learn lessons from you -positive or negative – whether you realize it or not.
  • Study God’s Word – Don’t just look up scriptures on your husband’s leadership and submission and pull words out of context. Dig into a bonafide bible study about the subject with commentaries and the Lord’s leading.
  • Listen to your husband – As gals, we tend to buzz around, throwing words out there without second thoughts about them. It takes practice to not be so chatty and actually let your husband be heard. I guarantee that if you give him a chance, he’ll surprise you with nuggets of wisdom often.
  • Love & Encourage him – When you study Proverbs and what God thinks about a loving and encouraging wife compared to a nagging one, that will definitely get your attention.  Spend lots of time here digging in as well.

Letting your man be the leader and submitting to him can be tough pills to swallow when you come into the marriage as a wife not having a clue about either one of those qualities. It’s also tough if you were raised as an independent working woman who has the attitude that she can do it all — right by herself!

This is a common thread in our society and one that is quite opposite of God’s word.

While the bible gives the other side of the story in what requirements of submission and love the husband must give his wife, we must concentrate on what the Lord requires of us as godly wives and let the Lord change our husband’s heart if he is failing in those areas. God can handle it without our help!

There are many, many scriptures that address marriage and how you and your husband can submit to, respect, and sacrifice to each other. What a wonderful gift you would be giving your man if you completely surrender your marriage to the Lord and do as the Lord commands you to do.

God forbid that more generations of women continue to disregard God’s holy word and desire for marriage.

Join me as we do not become weak, indecisive, victims as some view submissive wives, but rather that we become women who are strong in the Lord, in life, and in standing beside our man {not over him}, supporting him as the godly husband God intended.

The Leader

Is your husband the leader or are you?


More helpful links like this one:

Tame The Laundry & Love it

Family Friendly Movies You Forgot About!

Get Back to Mayberry

Best Ways To Lose Weight

Guilt-Free Chocolate Chip Muffins



Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Published on HuffPost, Okefenokee Living Magazine, and more, Shan is a Family Travel Journalist with a passion for helping women lose the overwhelm of planning family-friendly trips in the south. She shares travel reviews & insider secrets that Women REALLY want to know about Georgia, Florida, & the Carolinas vacations.

☕️ It’s THE REAL DEAL around here ☕️



  1. Dawn
    February 10, 2016 / 10:40 am

    Oh, wow…this is good (and convicting). I love the way you outlined both what we (as wives) shouldn’t be doing and what we can do, to ensure that our husband’s are head of the home. Your advice is spot on. I know that when I pray for my husband, God changes my heart towards him- and that makes such a difference.

    • Shan
      February 10, 2016 / 10:45 am

      Thank you, Dawn! You are so right, God can change our hearts and I never cease to be amazed at what God can do through us if we just surrender to Him!


  2. Misty@ Joy in the Journey
    February 10, 2016 / 8:47 pm

    So good Shan! Convicting, powerful, honest and OUCH…..

    • Shan
      February 11, 2016 / 6:43 am

      Ouch to me too, Misty. Thanks so much. To God be the Glory.


  3. Cassie @ Southeast by Midwest
    February 15, 2016 / 1:26 pm

    That is something to sit down and think about, I never thought of a lot of those points. Thanks for sharing at the Tips and Tricks Link Party.

  4. Pingback: How To Give The Hubs What He Really Needs {and it's not what you think}
  5. Holly@ClubThrifty
    February 19, 2016 / 8:16 am

    Yeah….no. I am an equal partner to my husband. I have no reason to submit to him, nor would he ever ask me to.

    • Shan
      March 3, 2016 / 8:17 pm

      Thanks for your honest opinions, HOlly! Glad to have you.

      I used to feel the same way about submission. It does go both ways – we truly are to submit to each other. I’ve learned so much from studying what God has to say about it.


  6. Kayla Nelson
    March 19, 2016 / 11:04 am

    So good. I was so hesitant to read this post because of the title but it intrigued me so I read through! It’s so true. I am a natural-born leader and coming into marriage I knew that I was going to have to lay down my instinct to just take over and control everything right away. I have to very actively lay down my own pride everyday to partner with my husband and let him lead our family. 🙂 So good to have a self-check.

    • Shan
      March 21, 2016 / 9:32 am

      Thank you, Kayla. Glad you got so much out of it. Yes, not an easy thing to always obey the Lord but His ways are better and I’ve seen the “ten-fold” results of following His path over and over again. 😉 Thanks for being here.


  7. Aimee Imbeau
    March 23, 2016 / 9:34 pm

    When we married, my husband wasn’t a believer, so the concept of ‘head of the home’ was somewhat foreign to him – and, well, I didn’t exactly have the best example. I had to take the lead in some cases, especially with spiritual guidance of the children. When my husband asked God to be Lord of His life, it was such a relief for me to release those responsibilities! This is a great post. Thanks for linking up with Grace and Truth.

  8. Gabrielle
    April 29, 2016 / 9:46 am

    Oh. My. Word. This is such a great post. I was in this place in the early years of my marriage. Hubby is very laid back and would let me railroad him. Then, I would find myself wondering why he wasn’t being the manly, ruler of our household. Then, like you said, God showed me that I was the reason he wasn’t and couldn’t. It wasn’t easy, but I backed up and let my husband lead. Things were so much better in our household once I realized and corrected the error of my ways. Thanks for this post!

  9. Tiffiney (Welcome Home Ministry)
    May 2, 2016 / 12:40 am

    Hi There! Thanks for sharing your insights. I used to violate #8 way more often than I’d like to admit to when I was first married. This post helps to point us back to marriage the way God intended it to work. Thank for the reminder. Stopping by from the Grace and Truth link up party.

  10. Pingback: What If I Don't Want To Be A Submissive Wife And Serve Others?
  11. chellie
    May 19, 2016 / 9:14 pm

    Well written! I can remember a time when I was convicted of being in the way of my husband being the head of the home. You know what? It is so much better being biblical! Thanks for sharing at FTAF!

  12. Pingback: Communication In Marriage: Give Husbands One Thing They Need
  13. Jerralea
    June 10, 2016 / 4:33 pm

    Lot to think on here! I have noticed every time I pray for God to change my husband, He instead changes me …

  14. Pingback: What Is June 14 In America And Who Cares?
  15. Pingback: July 4th 2016: Hacks To Rock America's Birthday This Year
  16. Margaret - SheepAmongWolves
    August 24, 2016 / 8:28 am

    Great post. It is always hard to give up control, but God so blesses those who obey him. I read a fantastic book on this subject called The Peaceful Wife. I thought I was doing ok until I read that book. She covers many of the topics you touched on. Have a blessed day!

  17. Anna
    August 26, 2016 / 11:37 am

    Something my dad told me when I was first dating my now husband–“He can’t lead you.” He said this becaus he knew how headstrong I was. I went and prayed about it (being headstrong and not willing to meekly obey my father’s instruction) and God spoke to me as clear as day: “He can’t lead you if you aren’t willing to follow.” How those words have guarded my steps. My husband is not half as strong as I spiritually, and has broken my trust many times over, yet I must be patient and wait and follow him, When I do this I see that God works to make the path smooth before us so that even the weak will not fall, and when we do stumble, we can help each other up. I also find that I am often not as capable and strong as I think I am!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get 15 FREE Things To Do in Charleston
(for Families)
 Sent Straight To You!