Communication In Marriage: Hacks To Give Hubs What He Needs

How’s communication in marriage going at your house, hmmm?  I’m just cutting to the chase and getting all up in your business, aren’t I?  I’m challenging wives to give the hubs an extra special gift of something that he needs that he may not realize that he hasn’t received yet.  It’s what he truly desperately needs from you but will never ask for out loud …

communication in marriage

What if, all across the world, wives went beyond the norm to bless our men with something unexpected for more than a specific holiday that tells us to?  Let me warn you – it will require that we step out of our wife-maintenance-mode (you know what I’m talking about), and force us to really focus on our husbands, putting their needs before ours, and try our best to give them what they need from us.

Communication in Marriage

Confession:  I am the world’s worst at communicating what I’m thinking into spoken words.  I have no problem writing my feelings, but successfully saying those words out loud so that my husband can “get me?”  Not so much.  There are two questions that the Lord has been pressing on my heart (you can ask yourself these questions too).

1. Do you love your husband?

Do we care for our husband to the point that we give him what he needs with reckless abandon?  I say reckless abandon because sometimes we have to dig deep. We have to get past some hurt feelings from recent disagreements.  We have to look at our attitude towards hubs with new eyes.  Sometimes the reflection of our wife attitudes may not look so great in the light.

All the wives say “amen” that married life is not always candlelight and romance, but I’m asking you to let go of the memories of your hot mess arguments of the past.  I want you to focus on why you fell in love with your hubby in the first place.  Remember the day you stood before God and whoever else was there and said, “I do.”

2. What made me over the moon about my man?

Most of us desire a man who is a kind, hard worker, and an all-around good fella. When you think about it – we expect a lot out of them.  They are to provide for the family, fix what’s wrong around the house and within the family, plan for the future, make us feel secure, maintain an upstanding reputation, be the spiritual leader, and basically be there for us when we need them.

In the midst of all that we demand from them, are we thinking about their needs much?

I know what you’re thinking about – you think I’m going to preach about how important physical intimacy is.  It’s biblical and essential, but that’s for another day’s discussion. There’s something else our husbands need from us that they could never say in a way that would not result in “wife offense” that results in a record-breaking, silent treatment because they spoke their mind.  Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, girl.

Our husbands need us to stop expecting them to read our minds, but rather just be in their corner.  Period.

We should be their biggest cheerleader and support system.  Their biggest fan.  So many times, we get caught up in the busyness of life, or think only of our own needs,  We tend to take them for granted and push them to the backburner.  “Oh, the kids need this, the kids need to do that.  Johnny needs me to do ____”  Poor old Hubs gets only leftovers from us on a daily basis.

Let’s not be this woman:

Proverbs 21:9 says that it’s better for a man to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 12:4 that an excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.

Proverbs 21:19  says it’s better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

We may laugh at the blunt way in which these scriptures read, but I want you to really let their powerful meanings sink in…..

A nagging, irritable, hot-tempered wife is likened to a husband’s bones rotting and having one causes him to run for refuge in an unforgiving place like a hot roof or desert where there is no shelter or safety — just to get away from her.

How awful is that?

You are probably thinking that some women can be so hot-headed and silly, huh? But wait, I propose that you and I act this way sometimes and don’t even realize it. I’m suggesting that before we take ourselves off that hook that we take an inward glance at what’s really going on behind your closed doors and mine.

Communication in Marriage

Let’s look closely

Friend, I wish I could proudly proclaim that I always have a perfect handle on my attitude and tongue but oh, how God has been showing me that I don’t. There are times when I’m in one of those moods and I can hear myself saying not-necessarily-a-bad-thing but in a not-so-sweet tone or I might get in a woe-is-me mindset and the negative just spews right out of my mouth – all over the hubs.

This ought not be.

In those moments, I feel a twinge in my heart (I know it’s the holy spirit) telling me to hush.  Sometimes I obey, sometimes I don’t.  

Am I all alone here?

Not so ironically, the Lord has been bringing scripture, Sunday School lessons, wisdom from the pulpit, and even random quotes from others that have gotten my attention.  He’ll use whatever He can do help us not go down on this sinking ship of sin.  I mean, let’s just call it what it is:  Unjustified anger is a sin. 

Maybe you are reading this because God is trying to get your attention too.

What I’ve come to realize is that whatever attitude is on my heart is what comes out of my mouth. How about you? Think about the past forty-eight hours in your home. Think back to all the conversations between you and your husband in that time frame. Were your words loving, uplifting and encouraging or were they slightly impatient, irritable, judgmental or fighting to be right?

This verse stings like alcohol on a wide-open scrape because I’ve spouted it off to my children to keep their attitudes in check but heavens-to-Betsy, I need it myself:

Many female friends and family have shared this struggle, so I know it’s real.  We just don’t talk about it.  TV shows and current culture tell us it’s alright to be a little feisty and that we should stand up for ourselves as women – we shouldn’t be anyone’s doormat.  Trusting and genuinely serving our husband in abandoned kindness will only lead to being taken advantage of and shows great weakness in women.  This isn’t the 1950s, after all, right?


It is a modern world but God’s stance on the wife’s attitude within the home hasn’t changed.  The bible speaks of this woman who is always brawling and scolding, always in a quarrelsome disposition as one who provokes anger all around her when she acts this way.  Heaven forbid that we would leave that type of legacy in our homes and throw godly communication in marriage to the wind.

According to scripture, what our husbands need is more like this:

  • To be trustworthy and a helper to our husband. “The heart of her husband trusts in her and lacks nothing of value.” Proverbs 31:11
  • To be quiet and gentle, instead of harsh and overbearing. “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1Peter 3:4
  • To joyfully build our home instead of destroying it. “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1
  • To always look out for our husband’s best interest not be in competition with him. “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12


5 Hacks to Communication in Marriage 

Our husbands need a wife they can count on.  Someone who always has their back, not someone working against them.  Someone to find support and solace with. Someone that welcomes them home with loving arms not demanding words or negative attitudes.

So how can we not turn into that woman that would rather find fault at every turn, argue constantly and insist on winning every argument?

Here are 5 tips to ensure we’re on the right path:

  1. Start the day in God’s Word and ask God to help you with your attitude toward your hubby.
  2. Seek God’s face daily & ask Him to help you submit to your husband’s authority as the leader in your home
  3. Seek God in prayer and scripture when there is a conflict with our husband that isn’t readily resolved
  4. Be intentional to trust your husband’s leadership within your home and pray for him constantly 
  5. Work hard at making it evident that your husband is first place in your life only after the Lord but before the children

It’s tough, I hear ya.

Some days it seems impossible,but I’ve learned it’s all about attitude and intention. For me, it’s a matter of removing my head from the sand to give it all I’ve got to be the best wife for my husband – to be the wife that God desired for my husband when He created him.  It’s a heart condition that must be checked to make certain that our eyes are focused on God’s best for our marriage.

Think about it this way: How do you react when something/someone threatens a loved one? You defend them like a Mama Bear, correct?  It’s time that as wives, we fight for our marriage with a relentless fervor in the same way that we fight for our children as the Mama Bear when the need arises. I’m willing to …..

Are you?


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Published on Huffington Post, Okefenokee Living Magazine, her local newspaper and more, Shan Walker is jokingly called the “Guru.” A Travel Journalist, Wife, and Mom who shares daily “how to” enjoy planning and executing EVERY single family vacation AND “how-to” find joy with your family in the cozy haven you’ve created and can’t wait to get home to!



  1. June 25, 2015 / 3:14 pm

    i have to say, I’m shocked I came upon this post. It’s something I really need to think about. I don’t read a lot of posts, at least not every word, but this one I did. I’m really glad I found you on A Little R & R Wed Linky. Pinned and followed (jody53)
    Jody Cowan recently posted…52nd Birthday & July 4th Celebration Giveaway – 8 WinnersMy Profile

    • Shan
      June 25, 2015 / 3:35 pm

      Jody, I’m honored. I was simply the messenger on this one.


  2. June 25, 2015 / 3:56 pm

    What a wonderful, well-thought-out post! It’s so easy to just gradually slip into murky waters just out of laziness and the busyness of daily life. We really need to be diligent day-by-day to keep our minds on Christ! Thank you!
    Paula recently posted…Your Crying Baby Is Sending People To HellMy Profile

    • Shan
      June 29, 2015 / 6:24 am

      Yes Paula, so easy to get lazy but it’s so important to nurture. Thanks so much for your kind words.


  3. June 27, 2015 / 11:49 am

    I have to admit, it was not what I thought when I saw the title, lol. But this is great advice that every woman should read! Thank you for sharing at Thursday Favorite Things!
    All that’s Jas recently posted…One Lovely Blog AwardMy Profile

    • Shan
      June 29, 2015 / 6:25 am

      HA! Thanks for your kinds words.


  4. June 27, 2015 / 1:14 pm

    Thank you for sharing this wonderful post at the Thursday Favorite Things blog hop. Watch for your feature on Monday xo
    Katherines Corner recently posted…WanderlustMy Profile

    • Shan
      June 29, 2015 / 6:26 am

      Wow, thank you Katherine. Love your blog and I’ll be checking that out.


  5. July 3, 2015 / 4:12 pm

    Thanks, Shan, for sharing these truths. I really appreciated the list of 5 things to do as we seek to love our husbands and surrender our marriages to the Lord. It’s so easy to get distracted from listening to my husband when my toddler is voicing his needs constantly.
    Alicia recently posted…When Your Weakness is BeautifulMy Profile

    • Shan
      July 22, 2015 / 10:30 pm

      Thank you so much, Alicia. It is so easy to get distracted but they really do deserve to be put high on our list! Welcome!


  6. Nancy Funderburk
    July 23, 2015 / 8:39 am

    Shannon, that was an awesome “how to”…. After 46 years of marriage, I can always learn more and be refreshed on being a better wife for my husband! Thanks for sharing!

    • Shan
      July 23, 2015 / 9:50 am

      You are SO kind, Mrs. Nancy! Thanks for your sweet words. The fact that you have a heart for improvement after 46 years speaks volumes of what a wonderful wife you already are.


  7. March 2, 2016 / 12:01 pm

    I think we all need to be reminded of this time and again. I’m glad I read this post, and thank you. You are so honest and sincere in your posts!

    • Shan
      March 3, 2016 / 8:16 pm

      Your sweet comments make my day, Rebecca. Thank you so much.


  8. June 29, 2016 / 2:54 pm

    You’ve shared a lot of much-needed wisdom here. Perhaps now more than ever, we’re living in a culture where people are hyper-focused on our “rights.” Without even realizing it, this philosophy slips into the mindsets of many Christians, and it can be very destructive to marriages. Thanks for sharing this at Grace & Truth!
    Jennifer recently posted…Dear Children’s Ministry Worker…My Profile

    • Shan
      July 2, 2016 / 10:32 am

      Thanks for your super sweet words, Jennifer. Something we must do!


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